You just HAD to Get Him a Birthday Card, Sis
by Dark Rabbit
Summary: Written for serialkiller13's prompt: "Doom doesn't like celebrating his birthday and Loki tries to change that." Her's is, "It's Your BirthdaySo Let's Get Stoned", by the way, if you'd like to go read it. Here's mine, told from the so-unbiased perspective of one Johnny Storm.


**_The Avengers_, _Thor_, and _The Fantastic Four_, and all situations and characters thereof, belong strictly and solely to Marvel Comics. This is a fan-work, meant for enjoyment only, and not for any material profit.**

So, it's morning, okay? And Susan Richards is doing what she usually does in the mornings. The usual Susan Richards stuff, - Whatever that is. - you know, going over the bills for the Future Foundation, and sending back the bouquets of sea-anemones that Namor gives her, and making sure there's plenty of Kosher bologna on hand in case Ben wakes up in the middle of the night hungry. That stuff. She's _busy_, anyway, that's your takeaway here. Her desk is all covered with stuff and shit.

Then in comes Valeria, and she's like, **"Mommy, what'cha doing?**

And Sue's all like, "Oh, I am doing the _birthday cards_ that have to go out, such as right now, I was just picking which card I should send to Victor. His birthday's coming up."

And so of course, I'm like, "Come on, Doom doesn't have a birthday." Because it _had_ to be said, right?

So Sue's like, _everyone_'s got a birthday."

And Ben's like, "Huh, not ol' Buckethead."

And meanwhile. Val's picked out this card with all these fluffy _kittens_ and crap on it, and she's like, "Here, Mommy, _this_ one is perfect."

And so Sue says, "Okay," and she sends it out, and meanwhile there are me and Ben laughing our asses off, because it's, like, _Doom_, and those are _fluffy frikken' kittens_.

* * *

But that's not the funny part, okay? What's funny... – And I didn't find this out until later, like _way_ later, and only then, because Mole Man owed me this big favor... – What's _funny_:

See, you know Doom owns that big _mansion_ across town. It's, like, the Latverian National Embasy or something. That's what they call it, but everybody knows it just belongs straight-up to Doom. So he's _there_, apparently, and who's staying with him... You ever heard of Thor? Big, important guy from Asgard, who works with the New Avengers? Thor's got this _brother_, okay? This evil brother, – He's, like, a half-brother maybe. – whose name is _Loki_, and sometimes he's a guy, and sometimes he's a really hot girl. – Sorry, Crystal, a guy notices that stuff. – ...So apparently old Doomy-Doom's _hooked up_ with him/her, or whatever, because Loki's across town there, staying with him.

So, he's, like, there, okay? And Doom's there. And Sue's _card_ arrives, and he's, like, "Ooh, Doom, it's your _birthday_?"

And Doom's like, "Doom does not have _birthdays_." You know how he is. "If Doom were to celebrate something," he says, "which he doesn't, it would probably be the day he got his _so-awesome_ armor, which is totally not a rip-off of the Iron Man Suit, and about 100x inferior to anything Reed Richards or any of his awesome family has, and that's in July." –

I don't know if it's in July. It's sometime which isn't the time when the card showed up. I'm paraphrasing, here. –

But Loki keeps on going. "Ooh, it's your _birthday_, and what's more, you like _kittens_. How cute is that? Shall I dress up as a kitten for you, my little snoogie-woogie-bun-bun?" –

And no, I _also_ don't know if he called him a snoogie-woogie-bun-bun. You do understand the concept of _paraphrasing_, don't you? –

...What he said that I know for sure, is he said he was going to get him a _cake_. And Mole Man, who was totally _there_ at the time, said there was a "strong implication" that he was going to jump out of "said aforementioned cake" dressed in a kitten-outfit. That's what he came and told me, and so naturally I had to be there, I mean you can see that, can't you? Doom having a birthday party? Supervillains jumping out of his cake dressed as kittens? _Somebody_ had to be there to get it on video!

...So that's where the Doom-bot costume comes in, okay? I mean come on, you don't think I could have walked in there in my frikken' _uniform_, do you? And maybe I should have burst into _flame_ so I could light the candles while I was at it as well?

No, I had to have a costume, so I picked the Doom-bot thing, because you know wherever Doom is, there's always sure to be plenty of Doom-bots. And I show up, okay? And a Moleoid comes and lets me in... – I never saw Mole Man. – He gives me a spot near all the other Doom-bots.

I'm there long enough to see the _cake_ come out. And this mean, kind of a creaky smile-look goes over Doom's face when he sees it, like maybe there's a heart in there somewhere after all. And then after that, it got kind of confusing.

I totally wasn't drinking. You guys can believe that. And those things that looked like strippers? _Doom-bots_. I think Mole Man had disclosed my secret identity. And I _didn't_ give away any secrets. I'd know if I gave away any secrets. And that, that Reed just said, about needing a whole new cloaking system for the Baxter Building? It's totally not necessary. I'm sure nothing's going to happen.

...And no, Herbie's voice isn't any different than usual, and no, I'm sure he hasn't been re-programmed by Doom or anything. Will you guys just _chill_?


End file.
